During this time of craziness in the world, there are a lot *and I mean A LOT* of people who have advice to give about how to protect yourself against viruses, including COVID-19, even if you never asked. It’s almost as if it’s coming outta their ass and they don’t have nearly enough toilet paper hoarded in their garage to contain it all. So, they inevitably go to social media and spew unwanted words all over your screen.

I get it. The uncontrollable need to express oneself in a time of uncertainty. The need to share what you may think is necessary for others to know or how you think others should be living (or not living). The opinions of others aren’t in short supply. And, that’s okay. You can choose to take their opinion with a grain of salt (and a shot of Tequila if you were me) or you can just keep scrolling. No one said you *had* to follow others opinions, nor do you have to even respond. There, however, comes a time when you are just overcome with lethargy and send an unsought, alcohol induced counterargument to a friends caring and benevolent advice.

I call this:

“20 things to keep viruses away (and my impulsive thoughts)”

1.) Get solid sleep each night (7-8 hours).
2.) Gargle warm salt water twice a day. It makes the mucosa at the back of your mouth less hospitable to viral visitors.
3.) Drink at least 8 glasses of water a day.
4.) If you have a humidifier use it properly (clean every day). Viruses have a harder time when ambient air has 40% humidity.
5.) Easy on the dehydrating things like too much coffee.
6.) Make foods with immune boosters—garlic, ginger, turmeric, parsley, thyme, sage, bone broth if omnivore.
7.) Elderberry syrup (I read the study on the blood of 12 people and how elderberry syrup applied directly to monocytes induced pro-inflammatory cytokine production. I don’t see this as evidence to not take this powerfully protective medicine).
8.) Increase the ZINC in your diet: chickpeas, almonds, cashews, lentils, chia seeds, pumpkin seeds, oatmeal.
9.) Eliminate all booze (it depresses the immune system).
10.) Don’t smoke (it comprises your respiratory system’s defenses).
11.) If you have underlying lung disease consider taking Ashwagandha for the next two months (not if pregnant).
12.) Get some good time outdoors each day, get the sun on your bare skin to activate Vitamin D.
13.) Express appreciation out loud to the earth who supports you and your loved ones who love you.
14. Sing out loud, expands lung capacity and the stimulation of the vagal nerve can calm your body’s overdrive from stress.
15.) Hold your kids close. They are awesome and won’t be small forever. Even as we are financially challenged, try to see this moment of them being close as a gift.
16.) Call your mom if you can and tell her you’re grateful for her.
17.) Check in on elders. Do their shopping for them so they don’t have to be in public.
18.) Limit gatherings and if you need to meet, keep it to small family size (6-8 people).
19.) Namaste. No hugs or Hi5.
20.) Wash Your Hands, Don’t Touch Your Face.

Those are all great things to do. Undoubtable some good advice. But, to be honest, I was on the tipping point of having one too many cocktails and licking the cheesey-powder off my fingers when I received her proposal. So, if you’re like me, you’d appreciate my response:

1.) Yeah. Okay. I’ll totally put that on my “to do” list. Oh wait, it’s been on there since I had my first kid… 13 years ago! That bitch hasn’t been checked off yet.
2.) Does licking salt before a shot of tequila count? *licks salt – shoots tequila* Yeah, that totally counts. I can totally feel the mucosa in the back of my mouth less hospitable to viral visitors. Boom! I am nailing this.
3.) Coors Light basically counts as water. I’m so hydrated. So, I’m golden there.
4.) My vagina radiates more humidity than 40%. So there’s that.
5.) Fuck you! Coffee is life. And I will punch you in the throat if you speak like that again.
6.) I hear sex is an immune booster too. But that ain’t on the fucking list now is it?! I am feeling like this list is a scam…
7/8.) Blah blah blah science shit. I had some chocolate covered almonds today. That totally counts. Check!
9.) Hahahahaha hahahahaha! Now I really know this is a scam. You know what depresses my immune system? You telling me to eliminate alcohol! You know I am stuck home with tiny versions of me, right?
10.) Marijuana reduces my stress. Stress causes my immune system to break down which causes heavy breathing and panic attacks. So this doesn’t even make sense to me. Seriously. Wtf. You call this “science”? *Do this with Dr. Evil air quotes*
11.) Ashwag..gggaaaah What? Wait I didn’t know there was going to be a fucking quiz on words that I have to Google. I don’t have time for that shit. But. Thank the lord Jesus I’m not pregnant! Let’s do a shot to that! (See number 2)
12.) Vitamin D, yeah that comes in pill form now sooooo….. down the hatch it goes chased by a rum n coke.
13.) EARTH and LOVED ONES! I appreciate you! Check!
14.) *Steals Disney Mic out of my 3 year-olds hand and belts out songs from Frozen II in a drunken karaoke stooper while said 3 year-old cries* You’re right, that did make me feel better. Oh and you said Vagal. Hehehe.
15.) Little shits. I love ’em… but can’t I fucking go poop in private?!!! *Screams and slams head against table*
16.) I called my mom. She wanted me to go to church with her via Zoom. I rolled my eyes. I invited her over for some stress-reducing throat-soothing medicine (see number 2). She said no. I told her that I loved her and that I was grateful for her anyway.
17.) I’ll shop for you for 50% of your TP? Fine, I’ll settle for some wipes? Kleenex? Adult diapers? Wine? Okay, that cough syrup in your cabinet that’s been expired since last year. Fuck! Wait, wanna watch my kids?
18.) I only know 6-8 people anyway. Wait, I’ll rephrase that… only 6-8 people are willing, without bribery, to hang out with me. I can be a bit much for most.
19.) NAMASTE-DRUNK!
20.) Don’t forget the Shaka bruh!!!!