Reflection of her heart

Reflection of her heart

The tiny stone laid on the ground in the midst of the ordinary dull brown and black gravel. This was no ordinary rock; it was shiny and that of a white pearlescent diamond color- nothing like its peers. It sparkled in the morning sun as if it was trying to get attention. Attention is exactly what it found when my 4-year-old excitedly picked it up as we were getting into the truck this morning to head to school. She was thrilled to find a shiny new rock on the ground and lit up with great animation with further inspection of this shiny new treasure. She held it tight in her closed fist, making sure it wouldn’t fall to the ground of the truck, only opening her hand slowly to peek at it every few moments. Yes! It was still there. I told her to hold it up to the ray of the sun that peered through the window to see how sparkly it was when the light hit it. She proudly held it high and admired its’ beauty…

…while my daughter and I have had many great conversations in her short 4 years, I found this one- as short as it was, very inspiring and true.

As we drove to school, we were listening to a song on the radio called “Forever Girl” by Jon Langston. As the song is a slower song, I noticed my daughter’s demeanor change from “happy-treasure-finding-sparkling-giggle” to “This is a sad song, Mom”. I told her that, “It wasn’t a sad song, in fact- it’s a love song. He’s telling her that ‘She’s his forever girl and everything in his whole world. You see? The man is telling the woman he loves her with his whole heart.” My daughter, starting to light back up says, “Just like my Auntie Julie! Auntie Julie loves me with my whole…. um…. her whole heart. Just like my shiny new rock. It reflects the sun and it reflects like Auntie Julie’s heart.”

Her words, inevitably, made my face leak and not because it made me sad- but because it brought joy to my heart. A joy that only a 4-year-old could offer at that moment. A realization of the fact that her Auntie Julie makes her feel so loved and happy. A moment of clarity that in fact her Auntie Julie reflects so much shiny and pure authentic sparkle that she had made an impression on my daughter.

I immediately had to pull over my truck and write down our conversation, not because I thought that I would forget it, but it needed to be exactly how she said it. Because one day, I want her to read these posts and realize what a heart of gold she has, even at 4 years old. And, not just THAT- but I wanted my sister, Julie, to know how much she inspires my children and how much love is continuously coming from her whole heart. It explodes out of her like a fucking glitter bomb! You’d be finding it in your hair for days!

This, of course, had me thinking the whole day. Thinking about my children and how they can feel someone’s authenticity and truth. They can truly understand the love and reflect how people make them feel. It’s a sentiment that most adults have forgotten because we are always trying to please and slap on a smile. Genuine is a whole hearted treasure. A shiny, sparkling treasure. I am fortunate enough to have these kinds of people in my life and in my children’s lives…

…for they are no ordinary rocks, they are sun-reflecting, sparkling badass treasures in the midst of the ordinary dull brown and black gravel. Nothing like its peers.

Life is short, make it sweet.

❤ AM

Words for Wednesday

Words for Wednesday

I never really cared what people thought of me. I have always been a free-spirit. I have danced to the beat of my own drum since I can remember and have expressed myself in many different ways- to which some might feel compelled to crawl bashfully into a cave. However, I own it. I’ve never been one to stop being me because of censorship or the fear of offending someone. but I also am very respectful and was raised to be so. I am honest (a bit too honest at times) and I appreciate it in return. I can’t tell you how many times I have had someone tell me that I am “too much” and that perhaps I need to be a bit more “reserved”.

On the flip side of “being too much”, I have always been a caring, passionate and spiritual person. I dive right in with my heart most of the time and I find myself engulfed with a benevolent manner. When I feel my life shifting or I find something that is encouraging, I want to share it with everyone I love! But as life would have it, there are some people whom you love that in fact don’t want to share in your enthusiasm.

A few years ago I started a group thread with some of my close friends and I would share with them some life epiphanies I had. I would share quotes, encouragement and thoughts from my heart. I did this every week on a Wednesday. I would eventually dub it Words for Wednesday. Personally, It was something that was born out of hurt. I needed to express something that I was dealing with and finding clarity in. My hope was that maybe if it helped me- it would help someone I loved. Words for Wednesday went on for awhile until some unforeseen issues arose in our girl tribe and I stopped sending them out. To be fair, I felt judged by some. To clarify, I felt as though some might have taken it the wrong way. Perhaps they thought I had all my shit together and that I needed to share what I thought everyone else needed to hear and do to have their shit put together too. To imply that maybe I was more “holier than thou”. That couldn’t have been farther from the truth. I believe that when you are on a journey- whatever it may be- sharing your truth to those you love can be very helpful. But, I was hurt when I was falsely accused and did what any hurt person would do- I backed the fuck up and stopped altogether. I thought about the likelihood of my “friend” being right. Was I truly being all the nasty things she said I was? I fell hard. I questioned everything I was and who I am. I had no good answer. Not a damned one. Because frankly, I know who I am. I know my heart. And anyone who truly knows me wouldn’t have to question it.

Recently I had one of my friends ask me why I stopped sending my Words for Wednesday. She had appreciated them and it had helped her through some rough times too. It was utter shock to me. Not only had it been over a year that I stopped sending them, but the fact that she actually looked forward to them and missed them made my heart ignite.

*Insert light bulb here*

Ahhhhh a moment of clarity!

I allowed myself to deny my own healing because of what one bad apple thought of me. And along the way, I denied the people who were actually seeing my sincerity for what it was by giving in to preconceived lies. I never really cared about what people thought of me, why was I doing it now? And at the expense of my own salvation? Ugh! Why do we, as humans, dwell on the one bad thing out of a hundred good ones? Fuck if I know. But I can say that I learned a lot about how to react in those moments and I shall carry on with just being me. Because in the end what is it all worth if you can’t be yourself?!

I am happy to say that Words for Wednesday will be making a jubilant return.

Life is short, make it sweet!

❤ AM

I am just as adequate

When I was growing up I wanted to be a thousand things. I wanted to be an actress, a model, a pediatrician, a child therapist, a teacher, a lawyer, a real estate broker, a writer… the list went on and on. My “what do you want to be when you grow up” was like my teenage boyfriend crush – different every week. I could never settle on something. I could never buckle down and focus on just one thing. I circled, around and around. Never satisfied with just one thing.

I look back now and just have to laugh.

I wanted to be so many different things that required me to go to school, to get a college degree, but I never had the “ummmph” to do any of it. Even though having a very good GPA in high school, I bombed my SAT’s. I’m pretty sure a 10-year-old could have done better than me. I wasn’t focused. I allowed myself to put it off… not really knowing that there was no such place as “I’ll do it better next time”. There wasn’t a next time and I was essentially setting myself up failure.

I was so wrapped up in my boyfriend and my plans to marry him that I forgot about reality. I forgot what It meant to be an individual and do something for me, something that I could support myself until the day I died. I failed at that miserably and relied, mostly, on other’s to help me out.

When I finally realized that I needed to focus on myself I had broken up with my fiance… In hopes to find the true me. HA! It definitely lead me to eventually find myself, but that would be after a lot of bad decisions (some good, but mostly bad), blackened out nights, near death experiences and 10 years later… but, those are different stories for a different day.

I never wanted to be more independent than I wanted to be in those next few months. I tried to get a hold of my life and do something for me so I went to a local community college and I have to say that I gave it damn good try! I wound up ending my 2nd semester and just never looked back. I have since come to realize that college isn’t for everyone and I am definitely one of those people!

It’s taken a lot for me to place myself on top and to know that I am just as valuable as those with a college degree. Even without a college degree, like most of my peers, I am just as adequate.

I often think about the little girl I was. The girl who always wanted to be something. The girl who dreamed that one day she’d be something amazing and she’d do something that she loved and she would never feel lesser. With every decision I never made was a decision in its self. I was a smart little girl.

I can happily say that each and every day I wake up, I am happy doing what I do. I don’t need a diploma on my wall to make me feel adequate. Everything I have gone through to find “me” has been challenging, but a challenge that I wouldn’t trade. Its allowed me to be more willing to put myself out there and fight head to head with those that merely have a piece of paper hanging on their wall.

A little girls dream can change. It can be something that she never realized she could do or be….



My View Pointe

I need some space.

Yes, I know I have that “other” space, but it just doesn’t allow me to be me anymore.

I need space where people don’t know me. I need space where I can say some shit.

Some REAL shit….

Shit without the judgment, without being criticized, without feeling like “Ya’all know me so i can’t write me some shit” shit.

So here I am. My View Pointe.