I never really cared what people thought of me. I have always been a free-spirit. I have danced to the beat of my own drum since I can remember and have expressed myself in many different ways- to which some might feel compelled to crawl bashfully into a cave. However, I own it. I’ve never been one to stop being me because of censorship or the fear of offending someone. but I also am very respectful and was raised to be so. I am honest (a bit too honest at times) and I appreciate it in return. I can’t tell you how many times I have had someone tell me that I am “too much” and that perhaps I need to be a bit more “reserved”.
On the flip side of “being too much”, I have always been a caring, passionate and spiritual person. I dive right in with my heart most of the time and I find myself engulfed with a benevolent manner. When I feel my life shifting or I find something that is encouraging, I want to share it with everyone I love! But as life would have it, there are some people whom you love that in fact don’t want to share in your enthusiasm.
A few years ago I started a group thread with some of my close friends and I would share with them some life epiphanies I had. I would share quotes, encouragement and thoughts from my heart. I did this every week on a Wednesday. I would eventually dub it Words for Wednesday. Personally, It was something that was born out of hurt. I needed to express something that I was dealing with and finding clarity in. My hope was that maybe if it helped me- it would help someone I loved. Words for Wednesday went on for awhile until some unforeseen issues arose in our girl tribe and I stopped sending them out. To be fair, I felt judged by some. To clarify, I felt as though some might have taken it the wrong way. Perhaps they thought I had all my shit together and that I needed to share what I thought everyone else needed to hear and do to have their shit put together too. To imply that maybe I was more “holier than thou”. That couldn’t have been farther from the truth. I believe that when you are on a journey- whatever it may be- sharing your truth to those you love can be very helpful. But, I was hurt when I was falsely accused and did what any hurt person would do- I backed the fuck up and stopped altogether. I thought about the likelihood of my “friend” being right. Was I truly being all the nasty things she said I was? I fell hard. I questioned everything I was and who I am. I had no good answer. Not a damned one. Because frankly, I know who I am. I know my heart. And anyone who truly knows me wouldn’t have to question it.
Recently I had one of my friends ask me why I stopped sending my Words for Wednesday. She had appreciated them and it had helped her through some rough times too. It was utter shock to me. Not only had it been over a year that I stopped sending them, but the fact that she actually looked forward to them and missed them made my heart ignite.
*Insert light bulb here*
Ahhhhh a moment of clarity!
I allowed myself to deny my own healing because of what one bad apple thought of me. And along the way, I denied the people who were actually seeing my sincerity for what it was by giving in to preconceived lies. I never really cared about what people thought of me, why was I doing it now? And at the expense of my own salvation? Ugh! Why do we, as humans, dwell on the one bad thing out of a hundred good ones? Fuck if I know. But I can say that I learned a lot about how to react in those moments and I shall carry on with just being me. Because in the end what is it all worth if you can’t be yourself?!
I am happy to say that Words for Wednesday will be making a jubilant return.
Life is short, make it sweet!