I am just as adequate

When I was growing up I wanted to be a thousand things. I wanted to be an actress, a model, a pediatrician, a child therapist, a teacher, a lawyer, a real estate broker, a writer… the list went on and on. My “what do you want to be when you grow up” was like my teenage boyfriend crush – different every week. I could never settle on something. I could never buckle down and focus on just one thing. I circled, around and around. Never satisfied with just one thing.

I look back now and just have to laugh.

I wanted to be so many different things that required me to go to school, to get a college degree, but I never had the “ummmph” to do any of it. Even though having a very good GPA in high school, I bombed my SAT’s. I’m pretty sure a 10-year-old could have done better than me. I wasn’t focused. I allowed myself to put it off… not really knowing that there was no such place as “I’ll do it better next time”. There wasn’t a next time and I was essentially setting myself up failure.

I was so wrapped up in my boyfriend and my plans to marry him that I forgot about reality. I forgot what It meant to be an individual and do something for me, something that I could support myself until the day I died. I failed at that miserably and relied, mostly, on other’s to help me out.

When I finally realized that I needed to focus on myself I had broken up with my fiance… In hopes to find the true me. HA! It definitely lead me to eventually find myself, but that would be after a lot of bad decisions (some good, but mostly bad), blackened out nights, near death experiences and 10 years later… but, those are different stories for a different day.

I never wanted to be more independent than I wanted to be in those next few months. I tried to get a hold of my life and do something for me so I went to a local community college and I have to say that I gave it damn good try! I wound up ending my 2nd semester and just never looked back. I have since come to realize that college isn’t for everyone and I am definitely one of those people!

It’s taken a lot for me to place myself on top and to know that I am just as valuable as those with a college degree. Even without a college degree, like most of my peers, I am just as adequate.

I often think about the little girl I was. The girl who always wanted to be something. The girl who dreamed that one day she’d be something amazing and she’d do something that she loved and she would never feel lesser. With every decision I never made was a decision in its self. I was a smart little girl.

I can happily say that each and every day I wake up, I am happy doing what I do. I don’t need a diploma on my wall to make me feel adequate. Everything I have gone through to find “me” has been challenging, but a challenge that I wouldn’t trade. Its allowed me to be more willing to put myself out there and fight head to head with those that merely have a piece of paper hanging on their wall.

A little girls dream can change. It can be something that she never realized she could do or be….

 

 

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