Tag: blog

Frankly My Dear- 2020 isn’t over

Frankly My Dear- 2020 isn’t over

Frick.

I sincerely don’t know where the last two weeks have gone. My days rolled into one another and I feel like it was just the Fourth Of July then I woke up this morning wondering what happened to the days that proceeded. Anyone else? I hope I am not alone in this galactic space travel. At least I didn’t wake up to the year 2050 to discover that I have been a frozen science experiment for an Under Ground Secret Organization that so happened to be linked to letting loose COVID-19 into the human world by a crazed bat that was infected with the virus and was “accidently” released and that I was one of the select few that they had taken for experimentation (because I’m smart of course)… I mean, it could have been worse. *writes down idea for blockbuster movie* Or did they already make that movie? Something about Resident Evil comes to mind….hmmmmm…..

I digress.

2020 was going to be my year. My families year. It was destined to be a breakthrough year of growth and change. It was a “fresh start” in a different state, a different life, and a promising new career. At 36 years old, I had finally felt like I was being an adult.

And then the shit storm happened.

And like the last two weeks, I feel like it was just St. Patrick’s Day and I just woke up and it’s 4 months later. I play back the last 4 months of my life and I can’t help but to think… “what the fuck just happened?”. 2020 was supposed to be my year! 2020 was supposed to be a year of triumphs and celebrations. But, here we are. Knee deep (or elbow deep) into one of the worst years to date. Can it just be the Holidays already? Can we take a vote on this? Christmas in July CAN ACTUALLY BE A THING PEOPLE!

I have had a lot on my plate with this new “normal” bullshit that I wasn’t expecting. And it’s gotten me pretty low. I bet you can relate. I’ve spent a lot of effort into forcing myself be positive, be happy, be grateful, be nice and patient. It’s been hard. I’ve found solace in reading meme’s and laughing about the most absurd things. I’ve found hope in taking risks and letting life happen. I’ve found that I can still make 2020 my bitch. Instead of remembering 2020 as the year that I lost my dream career; that I was pushed to the limits of trying to be a homeschool teacher; that I was irritable and cranky by having all my humans around me 24/7; that I couldn’t qualify for a new home loan; that I was trapped in limbo…
… we don’t have to remember 2020 that way- because frankly my dear, 2020 ain’t over yet!! (Said with ummmphh like Rhett Butler in Gone with the Wind *swoooon*) We still have time to make 2020 our bitch and do something amazing, regardless of how the world around us is spinning. I can still reach my goals. I can still set plans and leap for them. I can still crush it!

I want to remember 2020 as the year that I finally bought acreage out in the country for my future home; that I revamped my baking business; that I made it 15 years of marriage; that I became a more patient mom (still working on that one) and that in spite of the uncertainty 2020 brought- I stayed true to being me. I continue to have faith. I continue to push forward. I continue to trust that through the toughest pressure we can grow. It takes courage, a shit ton.

Who the hell knows how the next few months are going to go- and maybe I might just wake up a few months from now in a comatose state with Turkey hanging from my mouth- But I will continue to try to make the best of it all. I mean, can you really go anywhere else but up? And if there is a bigger shit storm coming, I packed my poncho bitch- BRING IT ON!

Life is short, make it sweet!

❤ AM

Words for Wednesday

Words for Wednesday

I never really cared what people thought of me. I have always been a free-spirit. I have danced to the beat of my own drum since I can remember and have expressed myself in many different ways- to which some might feel compelled to crawl bashfully into a cave. However, I own it. I’ve never been one to stop being me because of censorship or the fear of offending someone. but I also am very respectful and was raised to be so. I am honest (a bit too honest at times) and I appreciate it in return. I can’t tell you how many times I have had someone tell me that I am “too much” and that perhaps I need to be a bit more “reserved”.

On the flip side of “being too much”, I have always been a caring, passionate and spiritual person. I dive right in with my heart most of the time and I find myself engulfed with a benevolent manner. When I feel my life shifting or I find something that is encouraging, I want to share it with everyone I love! But as life would have it, there are some people whom you love that in fact don’t want to share in your enthusiasm.

A few years ago I started a group thread with some of my close friends and I would share with them some life epiphanies I had. I would share quotes, encouragement and thoughts from my heart. I did this every week on a Wednesday. I would eventually dub it Words for Wednesday. Personally, It was something that was born out of hurt. I needed to express something that I was dealing with and finding clarity in. My hope was that maybe if it helped me- it would help someone I loved. Words for Wednesday went on for awhile until some unforeseen issues arose in our girl tribe and I stopped sending them out. To be fair, I felt judged by some. To clarify, I felt as though some might have taken it the wrong way. Perhaps they thought I had all my shit together and that I needed to share what I thought everyone else needed to hear and do to have their shit put together too. To imply that maybe I was more “holier than thou”. That couldn’t have been farther from the truth. I believe that when you are on a journey- whatever it may be- sharing your truth to those you love can be very helpful. But, I was hurt when I was falsely accused and did what any hurt person would do- I backed the fuck up and stopped altogether. I thought about the likelihood of my “friend” being right. Was I truly being all the nasty things she said I was? I fell hard. I questioned everything I was and who I am. I had no good answer. Not a damned one. Because frankly, I know who I am. I know my heart. And anyone who truly knows me wouldn’t have to question it.

Recently I had one of my friends ask me why I stopped sending my Words for Wednesday. She had appreciated them and it had helped her through some rough times too. It was utter shock to me. Not only had it been over a year that I stopped sending them, but the fact that she actually looked forward to them and missed them made my heart ignite.

*Insert light bulb here*

Ahhhhh a moment of clarity!

I allowed myself to deny my own healing because of what one bad apple thought of me. And along the way, I denied the people who were actually seeing my sincerity for what it was by giving in to preconceived lies. I never really cared about what people thought of me, why was I doing it now? And at the expense of my own salvation? Ugh! Why do we, as humans, dwell on the one bad thing out of a hundred good ones? Fuck if I know. But I can say that I learned a lot about how to react in those moments and I shall carry on with just being me. Because in the end what is it all worth if you can’t be yourself?!

I am happy to say that Words for Wednesday will be making a jubilant return.

Life is short, make it sweet!

❤ AM