Tag: thoughts

Sometimes we realize there is something greater…

There are moments in our lives that can crush us to our core. Often times, there’s something that will happen that will open sealed wounds. And sometimes, we realize that there is something greater… something or someone watching over us.

I was driving home from dropping my son off at his VC POP Warner practice one night this past September. It wasn’t anything new to me since I did it 3 times a week. As I was driving on Cole Grade Rd headed back home towards the High School, I noticed a car stopped in the on-coming lane with their blinker on to turn onto Ava Ln. They were yielding to me coming down the road. Just as quickly as I noticed them stopped, I noticed a car coming up quickly behind them. Before I could even process how fast they were going, they were headed straight for me in my lane. The person driving the car wasn’t paying attention and hadn’t noticed the car stopped with their blinker on to turn and they swerved to miss slamming into the back of the stopped car. They swerved in the on-coming lane- where I was. I quickly reacted and had to slam on my brakes and turn into the dirt embankment to miss them from hitting me head on in a 55mph zone. They missed hitting me, but not before smashing into the corner of the stopped car. All I heard were tires screeching and a loud crash. I had been spared, but that yielding car wasn’t so lucky.

I was extremely concerned about the people that had been hit, so I turned my truck around and rushed to make sure they were okay. Upon arrival of their car, I noticed two older women sitting still. I asked if they were okay, to which I heard one woman say very much discombobulated, “we think we are”. They were clearly in shock as to what just happened. The driver grabbed her phone and dialed 911 to report the accident as I proceeded to check on the person who had hit them. Luckily, she was okay and was able to get out of her very smashed car.

Looking back now on what happened makes me realize there was something more. Something beyond myself there, protecting those who were involved. I keep replaying it in my head- how much worse it could have been…

Jason Armstrong was a local Valley Center resident who attended Orange Glen High School down the hill from Valley Center. He was struck and killed by a passing car who failed to stop while Jason started to cross the street from getting off of his school bus one afternoon. This happened off of Cole Grade Road back in 1995, he was in the 10th grade. Jason Armstrong died by the street he lived on, Ava Ln.

Many long time VC residents may remember this tragedy as it made a huge impact on our community. I was only 11 at the time and didn’t personally know this story until a few years later when I started school at VCHS in 1998. It was a story that many knew and talked about over the years. As much damage was done by an event like this, a lot of positivity came from it as well. The Jason Armstrong Memorial Scholarship would go on to raise $100,000 in his memory over the years for High School seniors who were involved with farming, 4-H and FFA programs. His memory is held up by the protocols in place today for school bus safety (you’ve seen those red flashing lights and STOP signs, right?!) and those of us who continue to spread awareness of this issue.

Fast forward 26 years later, I found myself standing alongside Cole Grade Rd. facing Ava Ln. talking to two woman who were just hit by a driver not paying attention. While I stood there helping with what I could, an older gentleman approached the scene concerned and wanting to know what happened. I began to tell him what I witnessed and what happened. We began to chat about the circumstances of accidents like this one and how lucky I was that I was paying attention. He was a kind, sweet man and he began to tell me about his truck driving years and the driving techniques that most kids nowadays are not taught. He complimented me on my truck handling skills to which I gave credit to my driving instructor that I had in school, Mr. Swartz. We also talked about another accident that happened just up the road from where we stood back when I was in school at VCHS. He told me he was the first on the scene at that accident because it happened right in front of his farm. He explained that he heard the crash and ran out to help. It was at this moment that I felt something come over me as we stood there in conversation. I looked at him while he paused and took a deep breath- he began to tell me about his son who was killed just feet away from where we were standing. My whole body became engulfed with what I can only describe as grief. As he stumbled with his words, he began to well up with emotion while he pointed out the spot across the street to me. He became quiet for a moment and I softly asked him what his sons name was and he proudly responded “Jason”.

We exchanged some more words with one another until the EMT’s arrived. I stood there, healthy and without a scratch and heard the heart-breaking words from a father’s own anguished mouth. His wife, Jason’s mom, was one of the women in the car that had been hit, right in front of their street.

As the hours past and I arrived safely back home I couldn’t help but shake that feeling of grief and sadness. I had been given a glimpse of it from a man whose wound was still just as deep as the day it happened. I had exchanged some messages the next day with the wife and made sure she and her friend were alright, I had shared that I had been thinking about and praying for them through the night.

There are moments in our lives that can crush us to our core. Often times, there’s something that will happen that will open sealed wounds. And sometimes, we realize that there is something greater… something or someone watching over us.

I knew in my heart someone was watching over us all during that accident. It wasn’t until I stood there on the side of the road and heard the story about Jason that I knew who it was… and if you believe in that, I think we can agree on it.

There are such stories, history and people that make this community what it is. Even after 26 years from that tragic day, there are still bonds that were created from it, tightening and woven into this town. We can’t go back and change it- but we can continue to live in awareness and we can make sure that this never happens again in our town. It took me a missed accident to remember how unique this town is. May it be a reminder for you- you never know who might cross your path on any given day- so be kind.

Words for Wednesday- I’m a person too

Words for Wednesday- I’m a person too

I’m struggling right now.

I would be lying if I said this was the first time that I’ve succumbed to my maxed out capacity.

It’s been overwhelming.

I am at a loss about what to do during this time in my life. I’m trying to deal with the fact that I won’t be going back to my job, an opportunity that I was just starting to feel accomplished in. I have been forced into my previous role as a stay-at-home-mom and let’s just be honest- I’m not thrilled about it. I finally had something for me and it was taken away before I could even reach my potential. I’ve been thrown into this life of now being a Teacher- and all the things that come with having 3 kids all in different grades and one with an IEP and dyslexia. It’s okay tho- we’ll just wing it… right?

I see my children’s happiness and light dimming and fading away. Their normal is different now and to adjust to this new time in their life is confusing (not even mentioning that they were just taken away from their “home” and moved across the ocean to a new life). I see them struggling and hurting- which in turn makes my mama heart hurt. But what can I do about it? School was going to be a good outlet for making new friends for them- and hopefully ease the hardship of moving to a new state. However, it’s hard to make friends when you’re not physically meeting people.

But I get it. I truly do. I proudly support and want to protect teachers and staff. I can see their points of view- both sides. I see the caring teacher who will put themselves at risk for the mental health of their students. They know damn well that for a lot of kids, school is a safe haven. And for many, the only place they feel safe. A place to feel loved, supported, cared about and heard. Those teachers cry out for their students that are forced to be at home in bad situations without the help they need. This hurts my soul immensely. On the other hand- I see you teachers who don’t want to be exposed to something that might spread ramped. I see your concerns of bringing a virus to your home. A home where you may have elderly parents living. I see the frustration it will be to make sure your classrooms are sanitary and up to code. I see the worry that you’ll be spending most of your time making sure your students are following the new guidelines rather than actual teaching. I see you. I see the fight in your hearts. I see your worry.

In the end, what choice outweighs the other? Neither are less important, and neither should be on the auction block. It’s a sad, sad time in our world right now. I can’t even fathom the repercussions of either action we take. We are damned if we do, and we are damned if we don’t.

So here we are. At the end of August and diving right into distant learning. Whether we had that choice or not. And I’m overwhelmed…. and please don’t tell me “I’m not alone, the whole country is going thru the same thing”… I’m kind of tired of hearing that. My situation may be similar to yours, but we haven’t traveled the same roads. You don’t know how I deal with my battles and I don’t know how you handle yours.

Because, to be honest- I sometimes do feel alone- and you can cut the shit- because I bet you sometimes do as well.

It’s easy to overlook a mom who cares about everyone else, but I not only moved my children away from their “home” in Hawai’i- I moved away too. I am also learning and trying to adapt to this. There’s been a line I’ve been telling my kids lately when I feel overwhelmed with all their synchronized demands: “I’m a person too!”. The look they gave me when I said it for the first time proved that they never actually thought about it much. And I feel like I failed at that moment. I failed to teach them that not only am I their mom, their protector and safe place- I am also me. I have feelings, I have breakdowns, I have failures and that sometimes I only have so much to give before my tank is empty.

We, as moms, get so caught up in making sure our whole family is taken care of. We try to make sure that our kids have everything they need to succeed- from food to good mental health. We make sure our homes are tidy and livable- We make sure our bills are paid, wipe asses and schedule appointments. We do so much for so many other people that we forget to teach them that we are humans too. That we are just as deserving of self-care as they are. That our mental health is just as important.

I never knew how important it was for me to keep my mental health in check until I started to build my tribe of supporting woman around me. I quickly saw the benefits of having that time with them- away from my “mom duties” and to actually connect and identify as me- as a person and not just as “mom”. This taught me to keep *my* cups full. But sad to say, I haven’t been keeping my cups full lately and it shows. My tribe that helped me keep my cups full is an ocean away and I am left to scramble to find substance in lieu of them. I no doubt still have them to call on. They will always be apart of my core. But I need something here. I need that connection in person- It took me 15 years to find that connection with my tribe in Hawai’i, and I know nothing can replace that. But I so desperately want that here. I want that instant gratification of filled cups. But it takes time. It takes building up friendships and relationships that have been put on the back-burner. How to go about it is confusing. Especially now in the time of Covid. Familiarity is comfort. And I just want comfort. *shoves chocolate chip cookies in mouth*

Learning to take care of yourself when you’ve been programmed to take care of everyone else first is hard. It’s even harder to put your oxygen mask on first before your kids- It goes against my paternal instincts. But in the end, your family needs you to be happy and healthy to be able to take care of them.

So, here’s to knowing when you’ve hit your limit-
take the time for you… fill those cups and continue kicking ass.

Life is short, make it sweet.

❤ AM

Frankly My Dear- 2020 isn’t over

Frankly My Dear- 2020 isn’t over

Frick.

I sincerely don’t know where the last two weeks have gone. My days rolled into one another and I feel like it was just the Fourth Of July then I woke up this morning wondering what happened to the days that proceeded. Anyone else? I hope I am not alone in this galactic space travel. At least I didn’t wake up to the year 2050 to discover that I have been a frozen science experiment for an Under Ground Secret Organization that so happened to be linked to letting loose COVID-19 into the human world by a crazed bat that was infected with the virus and was “accidently” released and that I was one of the select few that they had taken for experimentation (because I’m smart of course)… I mean, it could have been worse. *writes down idea for blockbuster movie* Or did they already make that movie? Something about Resident Evil comes to mind….hmmmmm…..

I digress.

2020 was going to be my year. My families year. It was destined to be a breakthrough year of growth and change. It was a “fresh start” in a different state, a different life, and a promising new career. At 36 years old, I had finally felt like I was being an adult.

And then the shit storm happened.

And like the last two weeks, I feel like it was just St. Patrick’s Day and I just woke up and it’s 4 months later. I play back the last 4 months of my life and I can’t help but to think… “what the fuck just happened?”. 2020 was supposed to be my year! 2020 was supposed to be a year of triumphs and celebrations. But, here we are. Knee deep (or elbow deep) into one of the worst years to date. Can it just be the Holidays already? Can we take a vote on this? Christmas in July CAN ACTUALLY BE A THING PEOPLE!

I have had a lot on my plate with this new “normal” bullshit that I wasn’t expecting. And it’s gotten me pretty low. I bet you can relate. I’ve spent a lot of effort into forcing myself be positive, be happy, be grateful, be nice and patient. It’s been hard. I’ve found solace in reading meme’s and laughing about the most absurd things. I’ve found hope in taking risks and letting life happen. I’ve found that I can still make 2020 my bitch. Instead of remembering 2020 as the year that I lost my dream career; that I was pushed to the limits of trying to be a homeschool teacher; that I was irritable and cranky by having all my humans around me 24/7; that I couldn’t qualify for a new home loan; that I was trapped in limbo…
… we don’t have to remember 2020 that way- because frankly my dear, 2020 ain’t over yet!! (Said with ummmphh like Rhett Butler in Gone with the Wind *swoooon*) We still have time to make 2020 our bitch and do something amazing, regardless of how the world around us is spinning. I can still reach my goals. I can still set plans and leap for them. I can still crush it!

I want to remember 2020 as the year that I finally bought acreage out in the country for my future home; that I revamped my baking business; that I made it 15 years of marriage; that I became a more patient mom (still working on that one) and that in spite of the uncertainty 2020 brought- I stayed true to being me. I continue to have faith. I continue to push forward. I continue to trust that through the toughest pressure we can grow. It takes courage, a shit ton.

Who the hell knows how the next few months are going to go- and maybe I might just wake up a few months from now in a comatose state with Turkey hanging from my mouth- But I will continue to try to make the best of it all. I mean, can you really go anywhere else but up? And if there is a bigger shit storm coming, I packed my poncho bitch- BRING IT ON!

Life is short, make it sweet!

❤ AM

Words for Wednesday- Taking the Leap

Words for Wednesday- Taking the Leap

Decide on the outcome-
even if you don’t know the steps to get there.

-Tony Robbins

I’m coming up on a year of making a drastic move. To say I was scared shitless would be an euphemism. It was much much worse.

I had this vision in my head of what I wanted for my life and what I wanted for my family. I had faith that we would one day not have to live paycheck to paycheck. I visioned a life free from the bondage and worry of money. To truly be happy. I dreamt of land- lots and lots of land. I dreamt of so much land that it was covered in trees and smelled of orange blossoms. It would echo sounds of life by my children laughing, riding bikes and playing by a creek bed chasing chickens until the sun set. I wanted a life where I didn’t feel drained of all my families resources and hard work. I knew this and so much more. I knew what I wanted. I made that choice. Because If I know anything at all- it’s that you have to have an end goal, a projected outcome, before you can set out for it. Even if that goal takes you until you’re 85 to reach it.

I jumped last year, I fucking leaped! I stepped back and I wound up my feet like the Roadrunner and released. I had a trusting moment. A moment where I let my faith and knowing what I wanted to take me to my next step.

Taking that leap was like deciding to drink an entire bottle of tequila the night before and waking up to yourself in the mirror in the morning-  it was ghastly. It hurt in so many ways. But as much as its hurt emotionally to make that leap- I have become closer to my goal. One step down, so many more to go.

No one can ever prepare you for the personal successes or failures you may experience in *your* lifetime- they are unique and catered to you. You could be scared shitless- like I am right now- about when your leap of faith will come to fruition. It’s a scary place to be, this limbo of faith and worry. Hope and defeat. The constant questioning oneself if the leap they made was the right one. No one can ever prepare you for that.  But I have my eyes set on my prize, my outcome. Do you?

In my random thoughts for today- I guess in the end, I just want to encourage you to decide on an outcome for your life. It can be anything you have been dreaming about, desired, or visioned. Be strong in your decisions, because once you are, you can figure out the steps you have to take to get you there. I’m not saying it will be easy because if you wanted something easy you can tell yourself you’ve decided to have an outcome of having Taco Bell for lunch. Well Fuck, now you know all you gotta do is drive your ass to Taco Bell. done. easy. –But if it’s a dream worth risking and leaping for, it’s going to take instinctual faith- and a little bit of impulsivity. Because, frankly sometimes you have to bend when the wind blows and sometimes you may feel as though you’ve taken a step back from your outcome- and that’s okay. Don’t allow yourself to be demoralized but in lieu set your eyes on your goal and keep pushing forward. Take the mothafuckin leap.

 

Life is short, make it sweet.

❤ AM